Inside My Suitcase Heart...

Five songs I haven't really listened to in years, but have fallen back in love with in the last few weeks, as they eerily apply to my life
1. "Jaded" LaRue
2. "Let That be Enough" Switchfoot
3. "Stay or Leave" Dave Matthews Band
4. "Fast as You Can" Fiona Apple
5. "A Message" Coldplay

Four things I have done since I last updated, because I'm terrible about updating this stupid thing
1. Traveled across the country (travel blog here, photos here ).
2. Graduated from college.
3. Fallen in and out of love.
4. Turned 22.

Three things I would really like right now
1. A job
2. An apartment
3. A grilled cheese sandwich.

Two things I did today
1. Proved to my dad that girls can use Kubota mowers as well as any man.
2. Saved a little green frog from the blades of death in the Kubota mower, thereby proving I'm not only equal in mowing capabilities, but more merciful.

One word to describe post-graduation life in a country town during a recession
1. Hopeless.

The sweet haze of potato salad summer air drifted through the window of the kitchen as her hands, slick with lemon scented soap, gripped the cutting board, its oaken finish slicing through the air and smacking a heavy thud against his head with a force normally reserved for contentious karate instructors, the bruising soon to arrive promising to be of a nauseating level normally reserved for guests on Oprah when the media settle for domestic abuse horror stories, tried and true for getting women to watch while they wash the dishes in the afternoon.

Rules:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).
d. Save the image and post it!

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. Favorite band?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite hobby?
7. What you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love?
9. One word to describe you?

Photo Credits:
Top left: "Damp Heather" by Eric Flexyourhead
Top center: "Comfort Food" by Sashertootie
Top right:  "Foot Bridge over Nam Khan River" by Ben

Center left: "Chris Thile of Nickel Creek" by Kristina Marie

I was going through some old files today and stumbled across my life list. I hadn't looked at in a while...probably a year or so. But flipping through it, seeing all the things I want to do...it's a good reminder of how much life I have left. I've been feeling kind of fatalistic lately, staring at graduation and joblessness and debt, but I've managed to get through college with dreams intact. I still want to accomplish everything on this list, and that feels pretty good. So I thought I'd share with you. :) I'll try to keep it updated, and add to it as my dreams keep going. And I'll be sure to write about them as they happen! Or at least...I'll do the best I can. -H

LIFE LIST

1.       Watch a sunrise

2.       Put coins in expired parking meters.

3.       Pay for the car behind me in a fast food drive-through

4.       Read the Bible... all of it.

5.       Drink only water for a month

6.       Participate in a Seder Dinner

7.       Get a “real” job that I actually enjoy (or brings me anywhere close to actual "enjoyment")

8.       Be certified in CPR.

9.       Learn to change a tire.

10.   Go 1 entire month without eating out.

11.   Cook dinner every night for a week

12.   Go camping for a weekend

13.   Have a letter to the editor published.

14.   Submit articles for magazines.

15.   Have a secret on PostSecret or in the books.

16.   Go to a shooting range.

17.   Hitch hike

18.   Ride in a hot air balloon

19.   Do a mother/daughter trip to D.C. and New York

20.   Send random”I Love You” notes to family and friends.

21.   Experience Nashville through a tourists eyes

22.   Get a dog.

23.   Play hooky from work.

24.   Sleep in the backyard.

25.   Undergo LASIK

26.   Knit a scarf.

27.   Go for a week without hitting the snooze button on my alarm.

28.   Participate in a Karaoke night.

29.   Buy a lottery ticket.

30.   Go for a picnic at midnight. Wine and all.

31.   Host a family holiday dinner.

32.   Go to the drive-in.

33.   Plant flowers.

34.   Go TPing.

35.   Visit/Camp at Yellowstone

36.   Visit/Camp at Yosemite

37.   Get cute rain boots and go puddle jumping.

38.   Tell people what they mean to me, and be honest when the things they do or don’t do, hurt me.

39.   Do 1 full pull up.

40.   Go a day without worrying.

41.   Watch "Project Runway"

42.   Make Fried chicken.

43.   Stop being embarrassed about things I love.

44.   Go to at least one concert by:

a.       The Weepies

b.      Nickel Creek

c.       Sufjan Stevens

d.      The Kells

e.      Radiohead

f.        Yo Yo Ma

g.       Coldplay

h.      Damien Rice

i.         Ben Folds

j.        Fiona Apple

45.   See every film that’s won a best picture Oscar

46.   Sneak into a concert

47.   See in Person

a.       The Mona Lisa (DaVinci)

b.      The Girl with the Pearl Earring (Vermeer)

c.       The Marriage of Giovanni Arnofini and His Bride (Van Eyck)

d.      David (Michelangelo)

e.      Sistine Chapel (Michelangelo)

f.        Starry Night (Van Gogh)

g.       The Birthday (Chagall)

h.      Guernica (Picasso)

i.         The Temptation of St. Antony (Dali)

j.        Blue Horses (Marc)

48.   See an Ansel Adams exhibit

49.   Be a volunteer museum docent

50.   Travel to every country in the world

51.   Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin

52.   See a men’s choir in Wales

53.   Kiss someone at the top of the Eiffel Tower

54.   See the St. Chappelle cathedral

55.   See a whale shark in the wild

56.   Kiss the Blarney Stone

57.   Climb a mountain

58.   Walk a pilgrimage route in Europe

59.   Take a cruise

60.   See a musical on Broadway on opening night

61.   See “Much Ado About Nothing” in England

62.   Walk across the Carrick a` Rede

63.   See a football match in Scotland

64.   See Angel Falls in Venezuela

65.   Hike in the Grand Canyon

66.   Stargaze in New Mexico

67.   Walk on Mesa Verde, the Great Wall and the Via Dolorosa

68.   Visit the Taj Mahal

69.   Tour the MoMa

70.   Ride the Orient Express

71.   Have afternoon tea at Claridge’s London

72.   Have a full English breakfast

73.   Drink Guinness in Dublin

74.   Go on a safari

75.   Drive down the California coast in a convertible

76.   Spend a week volunteering at the Sikh temple in Amritsar

77.   Skydive

78.   Learn to ride a horse 

79.   Learn to speak Italian

80.   Sing on a karaoke night

81.   Learn all of the major constellations

82.   Walk a labyrinth

83.   See the northern lights

84.   Go dog sledding

85.   See a solar eclipse

86.   Take a yoga class

87.   Ride an elephant

88.   Learn to paint

89.   Get married

90.   Save someone’s life

91.   Be in two places at once

92.   Take someone’s breath away

93.   Get flowers (from someone other than my dad)

94.   Receive a standing ovation

95.   Dance in the rain

96.   Make someone jealous

97.   Swim with dolphins

98.   Walk a red carpet

99.   Kiss a stranger

100.   Develop a taste for Scotch

101.   Move to Boston

102.   Graduate from college

103.   Splurge on something big

104.   Have one original idea

105.   Be president of something

106.    Go to a ridiculously expensive spa/salon

107.   Steal something

108.   Learn to smoke (and quit)

109.   Turn heads

110.    Learn to cook

111.   Go white water rafting

112.   Make a gingerbread house

113.   Get published

114.   Read all the books I own, but have not yet read.

115.   Watch a horror film and try to be brave

116.   Face my fear of spiders

117.   See the Cristo Redentor in Rio de Janeiro

118.   Learn to play the piano

119.   Get my master’s degree

120.    Canyon Swing

121.   Let myself be vulnerable in front of someone I love

122.   Design and decorate my own house and garden

123.   Pay off my debts

124.   Keep $100,000 in savings

125.   Send my parents on another, better vacation to Italy/France

126.   Climb to Matchu Picchu

127.    Tour the Zen Garden in Kyoto

128.   Tour the Louvre at night

129.   Ride a boat down the Amazon, the Nile, the Ganges, and the canals in Venice

Today I sat in on a seminar called "Truths About Your Twenties". It was put on by the career services office at my university, and is meant to address some of the myths about life post-graduation, as well as offer some tips for coping with your first few years of true independence.

At first I was sitting in the back, messing with a poem I've been picking at for months now, biding my time until the speaker stopped talking and we all stampeded the poor volunteer who has to scan the id cards of every student there (I'll explain convocation another time), but as my mind drifted away from word choice and meter, I started watching my fellow seniors as they listened to the speaker.

Some were the epitome of nonchalance, texting their friends and projecting the image of "I'M ONLY HERE FOR CONVO CREDIT" as loudly as possible. Others were sitting with rapt attention, scribbling notes, leaning forward with their posture, absorbing every word as though they had been secretly asking these questions and finally, here was someone who could answer them!

As I scanned the room, I noticed one girl in front of me. Strawberry blonde hair tousled just enough to be fashionable, slight burn on her cheeks and shoulders from spring break last week, a head band and silk floral sundress that spoke of Belmont's hipster artist culture, with an antique square cut diamond on her left hand. Classic Belmont student. Old money, parents covering everything, trying to distance herself from her bourgeousie upbringing by dressing in the uniform of starving artists. Engaged to someone similar. She twirled the string of the green teabag as she bobbed it in and out of her recycled cardboard cup from the local coffee shop, looking bored, half-listening.

And then it happened. The speaker began to tell her own story of post-graduation. Majored in English Literature and Russian at Vanderbilt. Immediately realized that she would never use either of those degrees. Took a job with an inner-city youth program. Salary= $19,000 per year, before taxes.

The girl in front of me nearly choked. I watched as her eyes went wide, no longer trying to hide her interest. I watched her come to the realization that in a couple months, she too would be looking for a job. She too would have student loans and a degree that left her unprepared for real world responsibilities. She too would be facing rejection letters and bills and a job she never planned on having.

I watched her turn to her friend and mouth "$19,000?", her eyes a mix of fear, confusion, and disgust, and I smiled. I smiled not because I wanted to wish her ill will. More than likely, she will find herself taken care of. Between the connections of her family, her degree and her future husband, she will likely have a comfortable life. I don't say this based solely on her appearance. I've seen it happen many, many times before at this school. It does happen.

I smiled because I now knew that someone was in the exact same position as me. Scared about the future, confused at how so many people have made it work, and absolutely horrified at the possibility that I might be one of the few who don't.

Even better...I came to this realization long before she did. I've been planning and researching and doing everything I can to make myself the best viable candidate. I've been exploring different fields, trying to figure out what I'm going to do if "the plan" immediately gets tossed. I've come to terms with the fact that I will be completely unprepared for the real world. This girl has nothing on me.

So I smiled, because even with the world economy being described in terms normally reserved for the apocalypse, even with student loans, even with a degree that is completely unmarketable outside of academia, I know that it is going to be okay. One year from now, my life is going to be in a place I haven't even imagined, and I'm pretty excited about that.

As I left the seminar, I considered stopping the girl and being that person who says "excuse me, I don't mean to be intrusive, but I saw you in there, and I just wanted to say it's going to be okay". Just to let her know that she doesn't need to panic. If found myself walking out of the building next to her in the mass of students, and almost did say something, until I heard her talking to her friend.

"$19,000?! I spent that much last week at Ikea!"

Nevermind. Let her panic.

Today I:
-woke up at 7:30 am
-worked out at the gym
-cleaned my room
-did laundry
-cleaned the kitchen
-took out the trash/dropped off the recycling
-went shopping for toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, and garbage bags
-did the dishes
-mopped the floors
and
-typed up some recipes.

And now I find myself in bed, candles lit around my room and a Belle and Sebastian album playing.

I am old.

Good night, all. I'm going to put my hair in curlers and fall asleep to "Lawrence Welk"

This week hasn't been the best, as far as mental wellness goes. Some depressing subjects at school, bleary weather and the constant battle against whatever cold/flu/mono/diphtheria is going around my campus has left me craving the comfort of my bed more than usual. So I'm practicing some self-care today.

I spent the morning working out, then had coffee at my friend Navada's house. He makes the best cappuccinos.
Came home and cleaned the house. I even composted the pumpkin that's been on our front porch since early October. (I know, I know).

And yes, I did realize that I was voluntarily cleaning the entire house (without aid or being asked) as a stress reliever, and took a moment to mourn my fading youth.

Anyway, I find myself here, putting off my homework for a while longer. And I'm still not feeling exactly cheery, so I think it's time for another Love List. So here's some things that have made me happy in recent months:

1. Thai Chicken Tortilla Rolls.  My roommate Justin and I split these last month at the California Pizza Kitchen, and he's spent the last four weeks figuring out the recipe. It is chicken, spicy peanut sauce, bean sprouts, green onions, carrots, cilantro and mozzarella, baked in a tortilla wrap. Oh, and a creamy peanut sauce for dip. He made them for us on Tuesday night, and it prompted a conversation about what we'd want for our last meal on Earth. Three of us picked these little guys. He made them in chicken and in tofu, but as one would expect, the chicken was better.

 

2. Knowing I'll be home in 11 days for Spring Break. I was thinking about doing a trip this year, but I really just want to be at home for a while. Can't wait. :)

3. "Real Simple Magazine". My roommate Hannah has a subscription, and I'm constantly stealing her copies. I want everything they endorse, I want to live in the rooms they design, I want to cook the recipes they make. I want to work for this magazine.

4. My lotus sculpture. I found this at a garage sale last fall (yes, I do occasionally garage sale) and it is the envy of my roommates and the star of my desk at the house.

5. Popcorn with apple slices and sharp cheddar cheese. A dinner staple for Hannah and I.

6. Sprite Zero. No calories, no caffeine (two months and counting without caffeinated soda), doesn't stain my teeth like dark soda and is more substantive than flavored water. In other words, my lifesaver when I'm craving soda like mad.

7. Wikki Stix. My roommate Em works at a restaurant in town, and they use these in lieu of coloring books to keep kids occupied. They are like wax pipe cleaners, without the wire in the middle. She brought home a stack of the little packages, and our house is now covered in multi-colored sculptures of flowers, swords, and snakes (we're a creative bunch, what can I say?) They are mindless fun, and it's always sweet to come home to a newly sculpted wax dragonfly on your desk.

Or...-ahem- abstract art:

8. Campbell's Tomato Bisque Soup and Grilled cheese. We've discovered a use for those unused dishes of garlic butter that come with takeout pizza. Save them in the refrigerator and drizzle them on your grilled cheese just as the bread starts to brown. You get the perfect seasoning and you don't have to waste your time scraping cold butter over soft bread. Awful for you, but then...you're having grilled cheese, so you knew that already.

9. Blankets. Lots of blankets. I never realized this about myself. But as winter continues in this drafty old house, I'm beginning to develop and obsession with blankets that are warm, comfy, and heavy. There is nothing quite like burrowing under 6 or 7 quilts and afghans to sleep.

10. Craftsman style architecture. I've been doing a lot of walking/running lately, and Nashville is covered in this style of house. I want to own one someday. Maybe not in Nashville, but I want the Craftsman.

So there's mine for the moment. What about ya'll?

1 Sometimes I Feele so trapp’d by iambic pentameter... Does that make me a Freake?

2 I haue been Knowne to cry at Bear-baiting.

3 I am not uery ticklish. I am Not. So prithee, do not euen try. Waste. Of. Time.

4 I cannot keep Lice, and know not why.

5 Sometimes I thinke plays are all Talke, Talke Talke, and wish for a cart-chase scene. I tried one in The Merry Wives, but it looked like Shitte, so I cut it. The men playing the horses were so Pissed at me.

6 I once threw vp on a man's head, from a high Windowe. I was so Sicke that Daye.

7 I hate to wear a Ruff, for I haue such a pleasing Necke.

8 As a player, I am painful-slow to learn my part. Once whilst playing Edward I, I used the prompter so ouermuch that a groundling yell’d ~Stop interrupting, Will! And it was my Dadde. (Kydding!)

9 Sometimes when I am Stvck for a rhyme, I new-mint a Worde because I jvst want to get the Damned script ovt the doore.

10 I play the Flute yet poorly, but I can make any crumhorn beg for Mercy.

11 When I am happy I call Anne my Kicky-wicky.

12 I keepe my Stashe hidden in our seconde best bedde. Shhh. Don’t tell the Fyve-Oh.

13 The people that loue my Wordes the best are always the most disappointed vpon meeting me. Is thisse List ouer yet?

14 On the topic of dating, my daughter Susanna loues to remind me: ~Jvliet was only thirteen! And I remind her that i) she was Italian, an impulsive race ii), she was actually played by a middle-aged Eunuch named Ned, and iii) she died. That always shvts her right vp.

15 I deteste it when the Low-Comedians improuise the scenes I writ them… becavse they always make them so mvch fvnnier.

16 I haue, on occasion, thovght abovt hiring a Boy to fixe my Latin.

17 When I was sixe, my Goode-Friend Charles brovght to Schoole a wood-cut of his mother, qvite naked. After that we called him Charles Nudie-Mummy, whiche did make him Crye.

18 I take my eggs ouer-medium. If I get them O’er-Easily, I tell my Porter, ~You may thinke this is what I ordered, but it’s snot. I thinke that one is a real Slap-A-Th’Knee.

19 I work ovt my calues thrice weekly, usvally three pyramid sets of Calf-Rises whilst holding a flagon of Meade. I knowe I should stretch afterwards, but it Bores me so I do it not.

20 As a boy in my Bed, I would shriek i’the night that Witches wovld come to eat me. My Mother (bless her) wovld smooth my Hair and whispr ~ Be not afear’d.

21 Whitsuntide has become so commercial.

22 Nobody euer forgets where they were the moment they heard that Thomas Kyd died. I was shopping for codpieces in West Cheape. I came ovt of the Change-room and the proprietress was i’tears. I said ~What is it, now?~Kyd is dead. There was a melancholy qviet, and then she said ~And that Piece is a mite too small on ye.

23 Euery time we do the Taming of the Shrew, some pvnter wants his Money backe, because we don’t actually show a shrew getting tamed.

24 I do not vnderstand all the Fvss over Currants. Sure, they are both sweet and Small, but must they bee added to EUERY MEAL these days? Yestermonth, found I currants in a Tarte of Spinnedge. I meane come on, People. Seriovsly.

25 When I am feeling Melancholic, I console myselfe with the Knowledge that, aboue all else, I will be remembered for my Musick.

______________________________________________________

Much as I wish I had, I didn't write this. The credit goes to Michael McFaden.

With mug in hand, she sits.

Watching the whorls of evening turn on into dusk.
Watching the sky cling to the sun with long orange fingers.
Watching the sky turn brazen, screeching across the fading day.

Inevitable night brings her peace.

Peace only found by people who appreciate patterns.
Peace only found in pages filled with check boxes and routines.
Peace only found in the crush of night.

Twilight comes when day is gone.

When day has tired of his torment.
When home is no longer a favor taken at will
When love is wisps of steam rising from her mug.

Inevitable morning brings no love, so the in the dusk she sits.

She sits and watch orange-red-pink-purple-blue-black night dot with stars.
She sits and watches Orion wake from the edge of the lake.
She sits and doesn't remind herself of the coming day.

Tomorrow is a new sun.
Tonight is for the lonely.